the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
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