your thong is hanging out like whoa
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
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