I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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