Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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