i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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