Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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