I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
