Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
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