hotel room ftw
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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