Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Randomize
