getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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