She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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