Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
