I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
