Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
