I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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