Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
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I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
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Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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