we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
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