I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
