I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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