if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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