I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
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