my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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