Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
