so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
