I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
