I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
