I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
