You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
