We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
