I just threw up on my dentist
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
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Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
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