Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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