yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
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