Whatcha textin bout Willis?
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Panties = found
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
