so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
