I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
