***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
