i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
