i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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