I faked an abortion last night.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
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He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
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I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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