dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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