Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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