Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Are we still banned from the library?
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
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