Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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