I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
