My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
