I can text with my tongue
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
