Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
