Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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