I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
