The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
