you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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