All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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