Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
