I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
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