There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
