Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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