I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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