you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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