On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
