i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Randomize
