you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
