Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
